And when the nice, quiet judge said go do your thing. I pronounce you free, I didn’t bring home the cake to celebrate.
I said thank you to Lataben, she was my lawyer, I rode my ink blue Activa back home and I walked in. My daughter was in the bedroom and I was slipping off my shoes when a sense of loss took hold.
Happiness had bubbled up through my marriage ceremony and I had tried hard that day to keep the big, wide grin off my face. That big dream of a friendly shoulder, partnership, respect and security was gone and although it wasn’t the judge who made it so, the loss caught me the day I came home free.
It had been seventeen years since my marriage, five years since separation. The separation had been the big event, divorce was just the legality. But, sometimes, it’s that final handful of dirt on the grave that tells you, the dream’s really over.
Things have eased out since then. The memories aren’t real, they don’t burn live any more. But, once in a while, a nightmare from the marriage wakes me up. Heart hammers and I stare at the ceiling till I know where I am and then I go back to sleep.
The subconscious holds on to it, telling me that my mind’s not fully done with it yet. That’s fine too. Each day’s a new day. And one day, I’ll be done with it, conscious, subconscious, instinct and all.
Meanwhile, I have moved far enough from the marriage, separation and divorce, that I have the distance and perspective. I can talk with the need neither to defend myself nor to attack the ex.
What helped was the ability to look at the silver lining, the ability to compare my current life to the bitter married life and see that I am better off, rather than to the dream that had enveloped me like soft winter’s fog and had made me feel cold and lost. It’s relaxing and it’s liberating. Some of us instinctively take that route, some need just a nudge in that direction.
It’s a stroke of luck that I chose this attitude. It brings with it immense peace, ease with myself, with the ex and with the world.
What you’ve lost matters only to the extent of what you take from it. Do you see the silver lining? Or do you see the dark cloud? If your eyes are set on the dark cloud, no distance from the ex is too far, no revenge too bitter, because darkness clouds you – and it goes wherever you go.
Choose your attitude.